Everybody needs an editor - a continuing series

Jan. 30, 2013

In today’s "Denver Post," page 18A, we find this 72 point headline: Senate overwhelming OKs Kerry as secretary of state.

Oh dear.

The good news is that the adjective “overwhelming” is replaced by the correct adverb form, “overwhelmingly,” on the Post website, but we again find that those pesky adverbs cause writers and editors fits.

Here’s the lede to the story: The Senate voted overwhelmingly Tuesday to confirm Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., as the next secretary of state, filling a crucial national security spot in President Barack Obama’s second-term Cabinet.

The Post is one of the many newspapers that have done away with the traditional copy desk, which is a shame on many levels. Even had the headline writer used “overwhelmingly,” this still would not have been much of a headline.

Are we really reduced to simply copying and pasting the story lede into the headline space, tightening a few phrases and losing a few details?

Don’t most readers start with the headline and deck (this deck was “Only two senators from Texas and one from Oklahoma vote against him,” which is awkward in its own way – after all, there ARE only two senators from Texas, so we might have written “Both Texas senators and one from…” Sigh), and then begin the text?

Do reader really need to take in the same information twice within a few seconds?

We need to challenge our student journalists to not only avoid glaring adverb errors, but to provide headlines that do not simply repeat what readers will find in the opening graf. Space on the page is too precious to waste.

What about: “Susan Rice a distant memory, Senate welcomes Kerry as secretary of state”

or “Senate united in confirming one of its own as nation’s top diplomat”?

I’m sure there are many more options. Providing students with a sample news story (sans headline) and asking them to write as many possible heads in various styles as they can in x minutes is not a bad exercise when you have some time to spare.

Everybody Needs An Editor - a continuing series

Dec. 29, 2012

In yesterday’s Denver Post I found this in a guest column from Meredith C. Carroll, titled, “Playing around with violence”:

“While I was at a supermarket in Aspen just a few days ago, a boy not older than 4 sat in a shopping cart being pushed by his mom while creating a war – complete with imaginary bombs and noisy explosions – between an apple and potato. Like the planes flying overhead on 9/11, the sound of even pretend detonations affected me gutturally.”

Adverbs can be powerful, certainly, but they often cause problems. This use of “gutturally” is the latter sort of adverb.

The writer obviously meant something like “it affected me at a gut level,” or “like a punch to the gut.”

The definition of “guttural” is gruff-sounding: characterized by harsh and grating speech sounds made in the throat or toward the back of the mouth. The connection with “gut” is there, of course, as in the sound seems to come from deep inside the person.

Did the writer mean she actually starting making some gruff noises upon hearing the toddler’s fake explosions? Doubtful.

The writer wanted to emphasize just how much the noise affected her, and “affected” just doesn’t carry enough power… so she needed an adverb. She might have chosen “viscerally,” I suppose, or “profoundly,” rather than using the wrong word.

Better is to choose a different, more vivid verb, and avoid having to search for an adverb at all.

“…pretend detonations disturbed me… upset me… frightened me… alarmed me…” None of these may be just right, but they avoid the misuse of “gutturally.”

Or the writer might have rejected the passive voice in the sentence in favor of “I flinched at the sounds of those pretend detonations.” This avoids various problems with “Like the planes flying overhead on 9/11,” a comparison that only seems apt if she actually heard the planes overhead that morning.

But let’s not get into similes today.

Copyediting & Grammar

Lots of AP style quizzes

The end of copy editors? - A fun column by Gene Weingarten

Grammar Girl - It's a blog... it's a podcast... it's fun!

Attribution tips

After finally convincing reporters that use of excellent quotes -- personality revealing quotes, full of "voice" -- should be part of nearly all stories, you may be confronted with attribution weirdness.

Students seem to revel in using alternative attributive verbs, like stated, laughed, opined... you get the picture. But the main verb they need is simply "said." Said is not only correct, but it carries no potential editorial baggage. It provides attribution but is almost invisible to readers. You can prove this to yourself by counting the use of "said" in any front page story from your own local paper. Students will be amazed at how many times it is used.

Once you get the attributive verb "said" firmly established, consider working on the order of the attributive phrase. Although "write like you talk" is advice that often leads writers astray, in this case the pattern "she said," as opposed to "said she" is superior. No one would ever say to a friend in the hall, "Said Mary to me last night..."

Reasonable rules for attribution might be:
1. All direct quotes require an attribution phrase.
2. Use the verb "said."
3. The correct phrase order is "speaker said."

One last thought: I see many stories that end with a direct quote, which is a good choice structurally. But the power of the quote is diluted when the final phrase of the story is "he said." The attribution phrase is best placed within the quote, or beginning the quote. Copy editors call this "burying the attribution."

So one last suggested rule:
4. Don't let the final word a reader takes from your story be "said."